I’ve had a number of people ask me about the event I went to this week. I figured by now I will try to type out some notes. For those of you that do not know, I went to an in-person Gabor Mate’ event. Now if you also don’t know who that is, here is some info about him on his website.
In short, if I were to briefly tell you who he is, he is a Doctor from Vancouver. A best-selling author, and man of great wisdom that is working hard to get the word out there while he is able. I say this because he is a whole 82 years old and doing well. He specializes in trauma and addiction. I have found him to be of great inspiration on my own journey of healing, growth, and also helping understand my clients and how trauma impacts our lives.
It is extremely hard to throw 2 hours worth of speaking into a blog post so for now I will just share some points that stood out to me. Most of what he shared was not a new concept to me. It lines up very well with what we teach at NSR. So listening in person to a topic I am already passionate about was so very inspiring. I have hoped a recording would be available but am doubting that will be happening.
-We do not develop the ability to recall memories up until the age of 3. But what we do do up until that age is feel. Our life is an emotional experience. Yet we can not recall it. We co-regulate with our mothers and take on whatever emotional state they are in. We do not understand it or process it but instead we feel it. This can shape our lives, triggers, and how we respond to life and yet we can often struggle to piece it together as we can not “recall” memories from that time. Gabor’s own mother was living through a time where Jews were being persecuted and harmed. At just 3 months his mother called the doctor over to check on Gabor as he was crying and crying. The doctor came but when they left, they said, “All of my Jewish babies are crying right now.” This is heartbreaking but also shows us they were taking on the absolute terror their mothers were feeling in that time in history. Gabor’s mother gave him away for a period of time to save his life as she did not know if she herself would survive. Even though that was for his life, his little nervous system translated that as abandonment. The mother was doing everything she could to save his life. Babies do not understand like adults, they just feel what they feel and what those around them are feeling. Gabor does not remember that happening of course but his being remembers that feeling of abandonment. It shows up in everyday subtle ways still. An example he gives is of a time, he was 72 years old, and landing in Vancouver after a very successful speaking event. The trip had gone well. As he turned on his phone, he had a message from his wife. She was saying she was running late and wondered if he still wanted her to come pick him up or if he wanted to grab a taxi. His response was, NEVERMIND. Here we have an example of how through are entire life we will act and respond subconsciously to happenings that trigger that part in us that was wounded even from 3 months old. He was feeling a version of abandonment with this present situation with his wife, therefore leading him to be triggered and respond like that. He even spent hours sulking, and stewing in this until his wife finally told him to snap out of it. He had done the work and knew this wasn’t even about the present situation, but his old trigger of abandonment. How many things are like this in your life you are not even aware of? They seem like a big deal in the present, but it is a past part of us that’s been wounded. A wound that we still carry with us decades later. Unknowingly it still is making itself at home in our daily conflicts.
-He highlighted his most recent book, The myth of normal. https://drgabormate.com/book/the-myth-of-normal/ Some thoughts on that, just because something is normal, does not mean it is good. Yes, it’s what everyone is doing, but is it good for the person or is it harming them?
-Another thing, people normalize human nature negatively. They say things like, “Oh that’s just human nature to be rude, lazy, selfish, etc.” But why don’t we normalize saying, “That’s human nature to be nice, kind, and soft hearted, etc” This in turn encouraging good normal behavior vs accepting negative behavior like its ok to just be that way.
I apologize this feels like I am jumping around. Like i said, notes. So bare with me.
-The absolute very beginning of MS becoming a diagnosis: A doctor noticed a common trend in his patients that fell under the same category, and he came up with the label, Multiple Sclerosis. His root reason for this label was that it was brought on by worry and stress. You could say in NSR we do believe 90% of labels are brought on by “worry and stress”. It’s incredible to wonder how many other labels we could truly look at and possibly find out this is also the cause and was the start of that label becoming a thing. This means there really are a lot of unnecessary labels out there knowing what we know now.
-He talked some with an undertone of frustration how this type of work there are endless studies in neuroscience that prove mind body work is where its at but yet none of it is taught in medical training. He himself is a doctor and he would know. Let me just tell you I agree. I felt his same frustration. Just like he stood on that stage in front of 10,000 people and listed off categories of popular diagnosis saying these are ALL a result of stress and trauma, I sat there and felt that too. Its almost like a caged in feeling in a way. I myself was sitting beside an anesthesiologist that night. I asked her what brought her to this event, and she replied that she had his book. I shared some of why I was there and at one point mentioned some of the chronic illnesses I had healed. When she heard POTS, she was surprised, saying she saw many, many patients with that. She had to double down and ask me to be sure that i really did not have it. I told her I did not and she could barely believe me. It’s an insane feeling to be able to baffle the medical field but yet be the absolute, unbelieved, minority, carrying the possibility of healing that people cant believe for themselves. And yet, here we are, living proof. Is that not enough? The medical field is missing the most important piece, healing. With time, we are changing the world. Thanks Gabor, another 10,000 inspired that night.
-He also talked about what we are wired for. We are wired for anger, and fear. Anger and fear are part of being human. Did you know living emotionally supressed can literally give you cancer? And yet as someone who has always struggled to suppress, I have had seasons in my life where I felt like I was too much and did not fit into the mold of being “in check”. In reality, what is happening is it should not be normal, nor is it healthy(although society has made it normal) to not get angry or be afraid in our life. Anger stands up for you. There are ways to have healthy anger. But if we only suppress it, it will come out in very unhealthy ways, one of those being the possibility of sickness. Or it will even bleed onto our loved ones. Instead of suppressing, we must learn how to work through it in healthy ways. Fear is part of being human. If we had no fear, ever, would we be stupid and not know danger? Yes, when fear, and anger are prevalent in our lives, that is a nervous system stuck and we need help. That is not what we are talking about here.
-He read a couple obituaries to the crowd. Pointing out the way they were written. Idolizing how giving the people were. One obituary was of an oncologist who got cancer himself. It talked of how he even treated patients up until 3 days before he himself passed. Humans normalizing unhealthy choices. What are you normalizing in your life? Productivity, hospitality, achieving, etc? Does your mind and body scream no, but you say yes out of being a “good” or enough person.
-80% of people with autoimmune and chronic illness are women. Something about our system is not working. The statistics are showing us we need to change. I can speak from my own personal journey and business. There is about 1 man for every 25 women doing brain rewiring/mind-body work. That is alarming if you think about it. Gabor also pointed out that statistics show that married men live longer than single men. But it is the other way around for women. Single women tend to live longer than married women. And why would this be? The most obvious guess right now according to him is, culture. Culture of a married woman. The expectation that is on married women. The weights they carry, the caretaking they naturally do, and the responsibility to perform, and give of themselves. They are exhausted but must carry on. They are even gaslight into thinking a little self care is selfish. They want to say no but society says that’s selfish. They are living in misalignment and not true to themselves. It’s not that they don’t want to do the work or want the men to take over, they just need more truth. They need expectations lowered, they need to learn how to ask for help, they need to be ok with imperfection. They need their men to step up. They need community, healthy connection with friends, and a safe landing. They need more authentic living. They need a voice and that voice to be heard, and action taken. I see this happening within the NSR community, and it is one of the most beautiful things. We can not pour from an empty bucket.
-One more thing, every single thing is connected within you. Your body feeds off of your emotional state, and one thing leads to another. Until we can realize its all connected and one is not separate from the other, healing will not fully happen. Once we truly look our pain, fear, and anxiety in the face, our body can heal. We must be seriously honest with ourselves in order to heal. MS, Lupus, Lymes, Eczema, OCD, Fibromyalgia, POTS, Chronic Fatigue(to name a few of many) and more are all results of our life environment. It is not our body randomly doing symptoms. Dr Gabor Mate’ himself was a doctor and noticed one thing, doctors are only taught to look at symptoms and treat them. He started asking patients about their life circumstances and found way more answers. We must look beyond, at our environment, as its all connected.
Thankyou Dr Gabor Mate'. Credit goes to him for the inspirations in this post.
Ok, that’s all for today, I hope you find some inspiration from this mix of notes from an incredible 2 hour talk I got to experience in person. I wish you each could have been there with me.
hp
